Can I fast forward please

I remember sitting in my therapist’s office after my son-in-law Jack passed away and saying, “I wish it was 2 years down the road.” I followed that up by saying, “well if I could wish anything it would be to go back in time and he and my daughter get sick so they had to stay home and not go to the Christmas party.” He would still be with us, with her.

I knew that wasn’t “a thing” so I just wanted to fast forward. I am not sure why I said this as I also know that grief and loss have no time limit and the pain will ALWAYS be there. Time does not heal all wounds and I knew it.

What I guess I was really trying to say was, “Since I cannot go back and change this horrid reality, I just want to fast forward so I don’t have to face it, feel it, live it, and re-live it. The memories, the horrid memories, would not be all consuming. I knew some healing would have taken place and if I could fast forward through this pain, if I could jump over it kind of like if Teleportation was a thing, it would be a bit better.

“Beam me up Scotty” comes to mind.

It wasn’t a thing. I couldn’t fast forward. I couldn’t be transported to the future and skip the deep, painful, hard ass work. I couldn’t fast forward healing.

I sat in it. I faced it head on and when it became too much, my counsellor explained that it was ok to stop and recover. I used to pull my hoodie over my head, curl up in a ball on the couch and watch something funny on Netflix. Even for a short moment, I focused on something funny. I even laughed. I didn’t feel guilty for laughing. I did, however, feel guilty for not “doing” or “working hard.”

Thankfully I had someone who explained all of this was OK.

I remember my last session with her (1 ½ years later) and reflecting on my comment. “Remember when I said, I wish I could fast forward 2 years down the road?” It was nearly 2 years down the road. The pain, the loss, the grief, the heartbreak, the painful memories are still there.  However, now I have the tools. I work on replacing the painful memories with the lovely, funny, amazing memories.

I knew my work was not done. It never will be. I hired a Life Coach. I needed, wanted, desired change. I felt stuck and wanted someone to coach me out of the muck. It worked.

Change is hard, staying stuck is hard. We must choose our hard.

I am grateful for my choice.