I do good, then I do bad

Grief is a crazy ride. I was sitting at my computer before work. I was blasting some music, getting ready for my day.

I heard a song that knocked me to my knees and just like that, I started weeping. My husband had left so I was alone. I said aloud, “I do good, then I do bad.”

Then I thought, “What does that mean Lisa?” Does smiling and singing rock n roll songs mean you are good? Does being knocked to your knees and your heart being torn open mean you are doing bad?

No, I do not think so. Where does this thought come from?

If you are happy, smiling, laughing, joking, singing and dancing, you are good. You are in a good place. This is quite possibly true, even for a moment. In that one moment, you feel ‘OK.’

Then in the next breath, you are under your desk or a ball in a corner weeping and wailing. I am trying to see that I, you, are still OK in this moment. This is real. This is emotions. This is good!

I have always feared being ‘not ok’ or ‘crazy.’ When I think of ‘crazy’ I think of straight jackets and mental wards. I do not mean to offend those who have been there. I get it. Nevertheless, it has been a fear of mine. I am grateful that I do not suffer too much with mental health issues. I believe everyone suffers at some point in life as circumstances and life happens. We are human.

I know people have asked me if I am on any anti-depressants. Please know that I am NOT saying people should not take them. It is your life. I am not your doctor or therapist. However, for me, I am not lacking in Prozac. I may be lacking in other things but it is not that. Therefore, I choose other methods. This works for me. I will have moments of laughter and moments of sheer sadness. I will work through this. I will not work around this.

Why am I saying this? Because I believe, we are conditioned to ‘not feel.’ Emotions are not OK. If we are having an angry moment (or day), we are not OK. If we are crying and sad, we are not OK and we need medication to help us cope.

I am the worst offender; I try to ‘suck it up buttercup.’ However, sometimes it is too hard and it is not healthy. I do not want this shit in my system.

What I have learned in the grieving process is this; Sometimes it is too difficult and too destructive to ‘suck it up’ all of the time. Of course you have to do it at times. Of course there are times when you actually can ‘suck it up.’ However, pushing your emotions down or feeling bad that you are not OK today or tomorrow or for a few months, or forever and whenever, is actually normal. It is OK.

So when I am on the floor in a puddle of tears or it feels like someone is sitting on my chest and my heart has shattered into a million little pieces that will never fully heal, I am OK. I am good. I am not bad. I am normal and so are you!